dog Pronunciation: \dȯg, däg, (regional) dawg\ Function: noun Etymology: Middle English, from Old English docalakadoo Date: before 12th century. Definition: Mythical beast well-loved by everyone, useful, bringer of pipe, slippers, Freudian in concept, embodiment of the id that draws forth the superego; also can be seen as an abyss of neediness filled with shit, covered with hair. Adorable. Loves chewing on things. Four legs, tail.

What we know about the dog:
She is hairy
She wants love
She eats snow
She shits all the time, or three times a day, depending on your perspective
Nothing is ever enough for her
She will jump on you
She will follow you home
She will eat your dinner
She will lick your toes or your socks or anything salty, so watch out
If something drops on the floor and you don’t want to pick it up and it is edible, she has her uses
She can be killed by a chicken bone
She pisses on her own bed, then slinks off to avoid punishment
Some children are frightened of her
She submits
She is not a person
She doesn’t understand
She will never read a book, even a simple book
She is dumber than a chimpanzee
I don’t believe she is capable of the creative act
She is my responsibility
I can lock her in a cage
She likes her cage
She doesn’t hold grudges
She snores

What we don’t know about the dog:
What her purpose is
The meaning of her
Whether or not she is preposterous
Why she pissed on her bed the other day and what will stop her from doing this
How much we would spend on her medical care

What we sometimes imagine about the dog:
That she sits in judgment upon us